Stop Your Divorce
Stop your divorce by avoiding the same pitfalls that so many other married couples have fallen into over the years. People tend to say whatever they think is going to save their marriage, when things are going bad and the two of you are splitting up. But separation anxiety doesn't allow us to think clearly, or forces us to go with our gut instinct, which is to go into all-out damage control mode, instead of winning your spouse back with smart communication.
When your boyfriend, girlfriend, lover or significant other tells you they want to break up, the natural reaction is to pressure them into reversing their decision. This is often the worst move you can make, because the pressure of a marriage or relationship is probably a main reason this person is leaving. When you weigh them down with all that heavy stuff - obligation, defensive behavior, complaint - this only reminds him or her why they're leaving.
How to Save Your Marriage
Stopping a divorce means acting a different way, instead of promising to act a different way. This means to talk to your loved one through actions, not words. We tend to substitute new words and continue to act the same way.
For instance, you'll be tempted to say you've changed. You'll be tempted to tell her over and over again "I love you". It's your first instinct to try to defend your actions or to whine or complain that her leaving is unfair - pretty much all the buttons that have led to this separation.
The best way to stop your divorce is to chuck every one of those behaviors to the side and start acting a different way. Remember that dedication will be needed to save your marriage by changing your attitude.
Instead of saying you've changed, stay quite and listen to what she has to say; this shows that you've changed. Instead of getting defensive and explaining every word and action, which is essentially arguing with her, let her get what she's saying off her chest. Instead of complaining and whining about her desire to leave, and generally blaming her for this breakup, stay quiet and avoid all that negativity.
And don't tell you how much you love her. If she doesn't know that already, it's not going to convince her. If she does know that already, saying it again isn't going to help. All you're doing is heaping the obligation on her to love you back, which is something she's not interested in right now.
Below you'll find more advice to help you save your marriage.
How to Win Her Back
Instead of the tired old behavior patterns that have brought you to this point, agree with whatever she has to say.
Your spouse is used to you arguing with him or her. They are sick of the arguments and the backbiting and the criticisms and the recriminations. If you want to win this person back into your good graces, all that has to stop.
You stop it by agreeing to whatever they have to say. She'll point out your faults and criticize you and blame you for what's happened, and you'll agree. You'll take it like a man.
Make Her Your Friend
Eventually, she'll get tired of criticizing you and, if she has affections for you, want to defend you against these charges. She'll see that you've accepted blame and she'll starting defending you herself - at least in her own mind. America is a place where you're forgiven, if you sincerely accept responsibility for the crime.
It may be against every fiber of your being to sit there and take responsibility. You might disagree with what she's saying vehemently. But if you want to win her back, accept her judgment. It doesn't matter what the truth is; it matters what she believes.
You might think this makes you look weak, but it actually makes you look strong. When you plead with her to take you back, you whine and complain and point fingers like a child, that makes you look weak. When you tell her you love her and beg her to take you back, that makes you look pathetic. By accepting blame and staying silent, you appear strong and in control.
She'll walk away from the breakup conversation with that impression.
Never Chase a Failing Relationship
The worst thing you can do is chase someone, when they want to break up. You end up looking unattractive and weak when you do. Instead, remain resolute and strong and you'll make a better impression. You're time is going to come around - just not right now.
Appear Content with the Arrangement
Maintain this appearance in the future. When the two of you talk, maintain a pleasant tone. Talk about pleasant things, practical matters and don't get too serious. Don't tell her how miserable you are. Don't talk about "the relationship" or "the divorce". Instead, make small talk, discuss practical issues, then disengage.
Maintain contact, but the less said, the better. If there are kids involved, discuss picking them up or taking them to the other home. Talk about their school. Do what parents do, but before the conversation turns to your marriage, or anything else serious, get off the phone or get out of the way.
This is giving her space. You aren't pressuring her. You appear content and you are maintaining a pleasant atmosphere. You're showing her the side of you that she fell in love with in the first place.
If you try to talk longer than a little while, you're more likely to slip up and starting talking about your feelings or your life without her. It's natural to talk about important things to your wife or husband, but this is not that time for that. They know you pretty well, so the longer you're around the spouse you're divorcing, the more likely he or she is to read your mood.
She Wants That Kind of Contentment
By maintaining a certain aloofness and detachment, and maintaining a pleasant and reasonable tone, you show that you're content with life.
In other words, you take the pressure off the relationship. You give it time to breathe.
Pretty soon, she's going to notice that you've changed. She's going to see that these faults you had that caused her to walk out on your seem to be missing. You appear more like the man she fell in love with. She'll see your contentment and want a part of your contentment.
All things being equal, she probably wanted to stay in your marriage. If the two of you were married and happy at one time, she didn't want a divorce. Events drove her to separation and divorce. When you seem to have your issues cleared up, then she's a lot more likely to want to be with you.
Stopping a Divorce
In the end, when a husband and wife starting talking about a divorce, there's usually a lot of bad blood and a lot of emotional baggage and angst built up. That means there's a chance the marriage is over. So there's no guarantee that taking responsibility for the problems and agreeing with her is going to win her back, but it's more likely to, than the other way.
The other way continues the cycle that brought you to the brink of divorce. Stop your divorce by breaking out of that cycle, ending you previous pattern of behavior. Think about it and I know you'll agree I'm right.